The Time I Learned I Couldn't Climb A Fence

The Time I Learned I Couldn't Climb A Fence

Everyone has seen people climbing fences on television and it looks like there could be nothing more simple in the world.  People are like Spiderman in the movies.  They see a fifty foot fence and they're over it in three seconds flat.  I had never climbed a fence in my life, but I was certain that I could do it if I ever needed to.  I found out one night, that I was wrong.

I was dog sitting for my dad and his wife.  It was cold and rainy.  It was almost time for the Beasties to go out for the night and I surveyed the back yard to make sure everything was ready for them to be comfortable and happy for the evening.  I realized that Hyper Beastie had drug the blankets out of the dog houses, so I thought that the proper thing to do would be to put them back in the doghouses so that the Beasties would be warm and happy.  

I slipped out of the house without my jacket, because I was only going to be out there for a minute.  I left the Beasties in the house and left the door cracked.  I made one fatal mistake, though, I didn't check to see if the door was locked.  As soon as I was crawling around inside doghouse number one, I heard the overexcited Beasties jumping around in the kitchen with excitement because they knew I was outside.  Then I heard one of the Beasties bang the door shut.  When I tried to get in, the door was locked.  So here I was, stuck outside in the cold and the rain, with no jacket and no cell phone.  What's worse is that the backyard is fenced in and the fence was locked.    For a moment I became depressed.  I felt like I was in a really sad movie.  I was in prison and I was going to die in the backyard and no one was going to find me for days.  

Then I had an idea.  I would just climb the fence.  Simple enough.  I'd hop right over it and be free in  no time.  So I tried to climb it, and that's the moment I realized that I couldn't climb a fence.  I couldn't even get off the ground.  I was going to have to be creative.  

So in the dark (and deathly afraid of spiders), I tried to find a solution to the problem.  Suddenly I had a great idea.  On the porch there were several lawn chairs, the kind that have the plastic straps across the seat and normally have cushions in them.  These didn't have cushions, though, but I still thought they would work for my plan.  

I put one chair on each side of the fence and began my great escape.  The goal was to balance on the strap on one chair, throw my leg over the fence and then climb onto the other chair.  The end result would land me in the front yard.  From there I could simply go in the house because the front door was open.  It was an ingenious plan and I was more than a little proud of my reasoning skills.  So I started the great escape. 

And it would have worked...

Except there was one fatal flaw.  I didn't know that these particular lawn chairs were stacked up the way they were because they were old, and rotting, and needed to be thrown out.  I got as far as throwing one leg over the fence and searching for the other chair with my foot when the strap from the chair I was standing on snapped and I fell.  

The cruel irony of the situation was that if I was going to fall off the fence it wouldn't have been so bad if I had fallen into freedom, but I didn't, I fell back into captivity.  So there I was, lying in the mud, in the cold, and in the rain.  I had fallen through the chair, the fence had scraped my leg on the way down, my pants leg was stuck to the top of the fence, and I was still in the back yard.  

I did what any reasonable person would do.  I cried and tried to come to terms with the fact that this was likely how I was going to die.  

When I finished indulging in self pity about my hopeless, miserable situation, I had another idea.  I only wish it had been the first idea.  I just started yelling at the neighbor's dog, making it really annoyed with me so it would bark.  

"Bark, you dog you, bark!"  

And it did bark.  It barked so much the neighbor came out, and when she came out I started yelling at her to come over.  When she did, I explained my situation and she very kindly went through the house and let me in the back door.  The Beasties, of course, were not apologetic and seemed like they didn't really care about my suffering at all.

Now I never go out of that door without unlocking it...and I've learned that climbing fences is nothing like you see it in the movies.