The Time We Were Almost Murdered By A Psychopathic Ax Murderer

The Time We Were Almost Murdered By A Psychopathic Ax Murderer

My best friend and I were house sitting one night for the Figment and his wife who had gone on vacation.  (You'll learn more about the Figment later, for now it's of no importance.)  It was late at night and we were enjoying his stereo and his large collection of CDs.  We didn't have a care in the world.  

Everything was going great and our own little personal concert was wonderful.  We were amazing singers and very likely going to form our own rock group when the night was over.  Then we noticed something unusual in the living room.  One of the Figment's decorations was not where it usually was.  It was on a different shelf.  I remarked to my best friend that I thought it wasn't there earlier in the day and she agreed.  Then she noticed that something else was out of place.  

Suddenly we both realized that the only logical explanation was that we were not alone.  There was someone or something in the house that had moved the decorations.  It could be a murderer.

Now I know why people in scary movies do stupid things.  When faced with a possible scary movie scenario your ability to reason or think rationally shuts down completely.  In this situation the best thing to do would have been to leave the house, or to call my parents or grandparents (both of which are neighbors of the Figment).  That's not what we did though, that's not what anybody ever does when they're about to be murdered by a psychopathic ax murderer.  

So we did what anyone would do in that situation and we found weapons.  Regardless of the fact that the Figment has any number of available weapons that would be great if one had to fight a psychopath with an ax who announces his presence by moving household decorations around, our choice of weapons was (now I see) questionable.

I had a steel pipe that I found outside the house and she had a broom.  

With our questionable weapons we started down the long, dark hallway in the Figment's house.  I, like any good friend, made her go first with the reasoning that I would be able to back her up because I had the pipe.  She has never let me live that down, and she probably never will.  Next time, she says, she gets the pipe.  

We quietly snuck down the hallway looking in all the rooms for the killer.  I think we were hoping to surprise him, but I'm not sure.  When we got to the final room the tension was ridiculous.  We were prepared at any moment to be brutally slaughtered.  We came into the room where the remnants of the packing the Figment and his wife had done earlier were scattered around the bed. On the bed there was also a book, a single book.  The killer had obviously left it there for us to find.

We examined the title.  

It was at that moment that our sense came back to us.  We turned and ran down the hall, flew out of the house, dropped our weapons in the yard and ran as hard as we could back home.

Ok, so we weren't nearly murdered by a psychopathic ax murderer, but we thought we were.  Someone had come to clean the house earlier and moved the decorations.  The book was one that the Figment's wife was going to pack and then decided against.  There was no ax murderer and we weren't the heroes of a horror movie, but it sure felt that way.